Dear SHS;
Why are there so many flavors of beef jerky? And how do I know which is the right one for me?
-Beefless in Seattle
Beefless-
There are so many flavors of beef jerky because there is one flavor for every night of the week you do not want to get laid. Choose which is right for you based on how sad you are and how much of a distance you want people of your preferred sex to stay from your stank ass.
Monday: Original. Allows your breath to retain a corn-forward scent while retaining the deep beef undertones.
Tuesday: Terriyaki. Creates an exotic sweet-and-sour aftertaste, coupled with a spicy aged meat flavor that lingers.
Wednesday: Peppered. This flavor is an exciting divergence from your typical jerky. You will detect peppercorns, tobacco, and leather notes. This is a full-bodied jerky. It is best paired with tears and loneliness.
Thursday: Hickory Smoked. This is a step back from our Wednesday selection. Soft, hickory overtones compliment the unwashed sock scent this gem leaves. Known for its origin in small batches, hickory smoked is an excellent jerky for a night you weren't going to get laid anyway.
Friday: Jalapeño. For Friday's selection, all bets are off. A strong, pungent jerky, jalapeño will ensure that you spend your night within no less than a 10-foot radius of other humans giving you apologetic smiles.
Saturday: BBQ. A well-rounded jerky, BBQ combines self-hatred and eating in the shower into one widely recognized flavor.
Sunday: Maple and Brown Sugar Ham Jerky. Nothing goes better with reliving what a miserable week you just experienced than pork products. This particular jerky has a higher soluble fat content, so it is recommended that you accompany it with Cheetos or Doritos to really balance out the texture. Shame eat your way into Monday my friend.
While you are eating jerky, I will be hitting on your boyfriend.
Why are there so many flavors of beef jerky? And how do I know which is the right one for me?
-Beefless in Seattle
Beefless-
There are so many flavors of beef jerky because there is one flavor for every night of the week you do not want to get laid. Choose which is right for you based on how sad you are and how much of a distance you want people of your preferred sex to stay from your stank ass.
Monday: Original. Allows your breath to retain a corn-forward scent while retaining the deep beef undertones.
Tuesday: Terriyaki. Creates an exotic sweet-and-sour aftertaste, coupled with a spicy aged meat flavor that lingers.
Wednesday: Peppered. This flavor is an exciting divergence from your typical jerky. You will detect peppercorns, tobacco, and leather notes. This is a full-bodied jerky. It is best paired with tears and loneliness.
Thursday: Hickory Smoked. This is a step back from our Wednesday selection. Soft, hickory overtones compliment the unwashed sock scent this gem leaves. Known for its origin in small batches, hickory smoked is an excellent jerky for a night you weren't going to get laid anyway.
Friday: Jalapeño. For Friday's selection, all bets are off. A strong, pungent jerky, jalapeño will ensure that you spend your night within no less than a 10-foot radius of other humans giving you apologetic smiles.
Saturday: BBQ. A well-rounded jerky, BBQ combines self-hatred and eating in the shower into one widely recognized flavor.
Sunday: Maple and Brown Sugar Ham Jerky. Nothing goes better with reliving what a miserable week you just experienced than pork products. This particular jerky has a higher soluble fat content, so it is recommended that you accompany it with Cheetos or Doritos to really balance out the texture. Shame eat your way into Monday my friend.
Comments
Post a Comment