A Microcosm of the Conspiracy Theory

I have accidentally stumbled on something rare, something beautiful. A gift. I had a front-row seat to a very cordial conversation between two 5G conspiracy apologists. 

I am minding my business, trying to unwind from a 10 hour-straight work monday and I get an email notification that Nextdoor is popping off: there is a weird noise somewhere. Anyone know what makes this particular yet vaguely-described noise? 

I love a good weird noise mystery so naturally I dove headfirst into what may be one of the wildest nextdoor conversations in the history of the app. 

The OP with an anime avatar asks about the high-pitched noise he is hearing. Normal nextdoor convo starter. A seemingly, also normal, response from a dude I'll call J follows. 

Seems reasonable. MTA bus depots are hella loud. Mystery solved, everyone resume perusing the free stuff section. But then, a curveball.  P chimes in with his thoughts on the situation:

Excuse me? It is, he states definitively, without a hint of skepticism, Verizon poisoning us with their 5G technology wiring. That's right. Not the 5G itself per the, and fml for saying this, mainstream conspiracy theory, it is the TECHNOLOGY WIRING that is the culprit. I have never heard of a conspiracy theory ABOUT a conspiracy theory that was flouted seriously by...a conspiracy theory snob? Like, I adhere to the underground conspiracy theories, you probably never heard of them? Does conspiracy theory society go that deep?

P is a soldier though, and he crosses the battlefield to ask the Verizon driver about the anticipated 5G saturation levels for the area. And, your friendly neighborhood Verizon driver, who is definitely stopping for a super-casual 5G chat and not causing a hit-and-run in the bike lane, shares with P here his tourmaline rock-cage prepper pro-tips. 

(I had to google most of that last sentence to understand what tourmaline rocks are and what they have in relation to 5G. It was this: 

)

Obviously, P did not ask anybody but his QAnon pals about the 5G technology wiring, and our friend J with the VERY REASONABLE MTA bus depot explanation, comes back in, politely, like a good neighbor, to refute the assertion that technology wiring is causing a high-pitched noise that only 1 or 2 people in the neighborhood, in QUEENS, can hear. 

I have to pause here and say, once, a man driving behind me in a pickup truck was so inconvenienced by my taking 30 seconds to parallel park my economy-sized car that screamed at me to move to Long Island where there is parking. If people in Queens are minorly inconvenienced in any way YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT IT. Since the evening news tonight did not include anything about a riot over a high-pitched noise in Queens I can assume that its something only the OP is hearing. 

But back to J, chiming in to keep the block from losing all its dignity:

Oh no. No. J. Not you too. Here I thought J was going to reiterate his public transportation explanation and settle the matter once and for all. I regret to inform you I was deeply, deeply mistaken. Not only have we now introduced EMF and human electrical system auditory vibrational frequency range (HESAVFR for short), we are now dealing with WEAPONIZED MICROWAVES making non-localized landfall in your head via your radio wave receiver???

(It should be noted that because I smoke weed I first pictured a herd of angry microwave ovens with knives and bloodlust)

What's worse, J is the FUCKING VOICE OF REASON in this conversation between him and P. J is like, "I acknowledge your conspiracy theory, and I hold space for that, I do, and, you know, we are all worried about EMF - and I hope you all signed up for the discount on EMF shields, promo code HESAVFR - but the likelihood that this is a full on 5G area saturation is slim, just based on the timelines, you know?" He manages to represent chemtrail twitter AND mansplaining twitter simultaneously. 

At this point in the thread I am completely locked in and on this journey. Which is great because there is no going back from what came next:

P concedes his point, again politely, neighborly. We hear more about the Verizon Gentleman here, who somehow gets paid actual US Dollars to sit in a car talking to P while other people work. The sound of the 5G that P heard was coming from the vehicle from the work being done underground. The sound is coming from the vehicle, by way of the work being done underground. The work is happening underground, but all the noise is coming out of the car. Makes sense.

J reiterates that 5G is bad and then cautions against fear mongering. THE GUY WHO UNLEASHED WEAPONIZED MICROWAVES ON US doesn't want to cause any uproar like burning down cell towers with like, an accelerant that can burn metal and um, like maybe call in a bomb threat somewhere else to divert the police response and uh, I'm not saying that's how you stop weaponized microwaves but yeah I mean it probably could.

But then, a faint light in the distance. A shrill, piercing bell cold as the predawn snow. A man, a hero perhaps. A Michael-Michael. 

Michael-Michael, whose name I did not redact because of the beauty, simplicity, and fakeness of it, swooped in like a beautiful, teal crane, to bring the rest of us crashing out of our reverie and back into the real world. . .

 . . . and J pulls us right back in, either pretending not to understand (no), or not understanding that Michael-Michael is one of the sheeple who don't think you need to reduce your yeast consumption in order to combat the negative sexual effects of 5G. Fucking simp. 

A few goodly people who did not expand to read additional comments gave some, by comparison, incredibly half-assed milquetoast suggestions, and it appeared the post had passed its crescendo, until I realized that the OP had slid back in with a "nevermind, it stopped." After working P into an absolute frenzy, and forcing J to out himself as a (thinly veiled) 5G sympathizer and microwave crusader, and making Michael-Michael get so exasperated that he lets out a huffy sigh and his wife interprets it as him bering mad at her for something but she doesn't know what and she racks her brain to think of anything she could have done to upset him that day, and as she is spiraling a tear comes to her eye and she tries so hard not to let it fall but she feels like a failure, OP fucking gives us a goddamned peace sign. Either the OP genuinely did not know he was opening a Pandora's box, or he is a man trying to play God. 

Conspiracy theory - OP only posted to see who would react as a way of figuring out who the QAnon supporters are in our neighborhood so he can report them at the next Antifa meeting and then Antifa will used weaponized 5G microwaves from Verizon to melt their brains with non-localized wiring technology via the HESAVFR app. Just sayin'.