WTF am I even buying anymore??

Ok friends. Can we all agree that advertising has gotten THE FUCK out of control? I don't even know what I am being sold anymore.  I mean, OK, I do, and due to things like, "women's lib" and "hate crime laws" advertisements are less ostentatiously dickbaggy than they once were.  But they appear to me to be as ridiculous as ever. I have been watching a LOT of Hulu lately (you are welcome Beth Comstock) and eating chips by the fistful, mostly because they unlocked like, 5 episodes of Pysch and I wanted to see the Office finale.  Anyway, during this online TV and crisps binge I was bombarded with several advertisements over and over again.  My analysis follows.

FIRST: My favorite.  This ad is apparently trying to sell "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter," but it left me in a fit of fucking giggles and no desire to eat fake hydrogenated butter products. Let me set the stage for you: A woman who I never heard of who apparently goes by the name "Vanderpump" without qualm keeps a bunch of hot dudes on retainer to do shit for her "after dark." And no, she does not have to order seamless to get them to (and the 6 people who read my last post get that joke).  So this hunky chef is making her some after dark treats with "OMG IT ISN'T BUTTER SO IMMA EAT THE WHOLE TUB ON A PIECE OF BREAD" or whatever.  You can watch this whole thing, or you can watch from 0:26 til 0:32, which is what they show on Hulu and where the fucking magic happens:





Did you hear that? DID you? No? Because this is what I hear:

"Issa californa calliflour. brefess. pizzah."

This made me laugh so much because this dude CANNOT spit out a coherent sentence and you KNOW that they probably did several takes of this.  So this was the best take.  The best they could get. WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE OTHER TAKES LIKE?

"isacalfonrabrefess pitza."
"isa calfonin brefespisa"
"isa calforna breastpizza"

I totally get the successful older lady keeping a bunch of hot dudes around to make her snacks.  In fact, she pretty much has my ideal life. The ad failed though, because it did not sell me fake butter.

You may remember the reverse sex-sells advertising this company tried in the 90's:




This was far more successful as in my mind "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" should end with "Spray."

SECOND favorite:

This ad by KRAFT seduces the ladies but using a hot dude who appears to be slightly inappropriately turned on by making a salad.  It ends with him flexing with his shirt off. You should probably watch this whole one because MANFLESH.



Note: The ad mentions that the slicing of the pepper is a "dramatization". I don't have much to say about this ad because it is SO OBV that the endgame here is to make ladies eating salads synonymous with hot dudes being in love with it. WE GET IT. DUDES LIKE SKINNY GIRLS. EAT A SALAD HAO.

Unfortunately for KRAFT, I don't give a shit about salad. Were the American Beef Council to copy this ad and say, "Hey ladies, let's make a steak. (inhale)  Mmmm, this is the most perfect New York strip I have ever seen. How rare do you want it?  A little rare? How about a little MORE rare," and then take his pants off I would be all over it.

SPEAKING OF DUDES LIKING SKINNY BITCHES I feel I should weigh in (see what I did there?) on the whole Abercrombie and Mike Jeffries being an asshat thing since every motherfucker out there with access to the internet seems to have an oped about it (don't believe me? Google Abercrombie and Fitch oped. 709,000 results. Fuck you.). In case you live in a hovel or choose not to participate in national discussions like some vegan hipster fuck and missed it, this is what CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch Mike Jeffries had to say about not offering female sizes above a size 10 (but men's sizes up to XXl for "athletes") in his store:

"We go after the cool kids," he was quoted as saying, in reference to his company's target demographic. "A lot of people don't belong, and they can't belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely."

Gary Busey after a facelift and rehab? Nay. 68 Year old A&F CEO Mike Jeffires. The veneers are Busey's tho.

Obv this is 'Merica and a private entity can cater to whatever clientele it wants, however, his remarks are very indicative of a pervasive attitude in this country where thinness=cool and beautiful. There is no argument that we are conditioned to value thinness in our society, and companies like A&F (too lazy for full name) only serve to perpetuate this attitude. My point tho is

WHO GIVES A FUCK

Since when is a fitted navy tee that says "Abercrombie and Fitch" in puffy letters considered remotely en vogue?  Any woman who is trying to be stylish - fat or thin or gender neutral or whatever - is NOT wearing Abercrombie and Fitch. When is the last time you saw this uglyass shit on the runway?

NEVER

Pretty sure I live in NYC which is arguably one of the most important fashion locales on the goddamned planet and I do not see a single ultrathin cool model wearing an Abercrombie polo.  In fact,  the only hookers I see wearing polo shirts anymore are these tools:

There is nothing remotely fashionable about A&F.  Abercrombie and Fitch has been the same since I was in the 7th grade.  Fashion changes every 16 seconds.  Fashion is adaptable. How Abercrombie and Fitch got to be a popularity status symbol is beyond me.  Why the fuck are we even talking about the owner of an antiquated and ugly clothing brand (whose perfumes smell like the "To Catch a Predator" set)? Don't we have more positive and important things to discuss? Like the next American Beef Council commercial?  Let us, as a nation, get over this shit and admit Abercrombie clothing is overpriced, ugly, and probably made by children who did not escape "To Catch a Predator," and then go thrift some actual fashion and eat a steak.

Beefcake≠Beefsteak.