Fingerbanging dudeladies

So, recently I have become a bitter shrew with a bad attitude toward dudes.  Read more to find out!

Seamless: Finger food is on the menu

For the past 2 months or so the food delivery service website "seamless" kept posted an ad campaign about how beneficial the service is.  I am not gonna lie, I use that shit at least once a week because I am lazy as fuck and way too goddamned busy to steam my own fucking kale. There are a variety of mildly amusing truisms that are posted throughout subway cars, one of them I found to be quite unsettling:

In case the bar gets in the way, this ad reads, "You've perfected the art of getting to third base faster: Food Delivery Date Night." I stood in front of the ad for a moment trying to recount the 4 bases as they were told to me in middle school, and was a little appalled (french, feel, finger, fuck nerds).

Then I was annoyed. Because the patriarchy.

I mean, why not skip the absurd pretense and say, "Seamless, helping you fingerbang your reluctant date."

Obviously this ad was directed at men, because THERE ARE NO BITCHES OUT THERE ORDERING SEAMLESS IN ORDER TO BLOW A GUY ON THE SECOND DATE. First of all, I cannot FATHOM an instance in which a girl has to trick a guy over for some beej. Second, who the FUCK thinks, "Gee, I think the best way to convince this guy to let me go to third base with him is to have him come over and watch me order some palak paneer on my computer and then have awkward conversation while we wait for food to arrive?"NOBODY.

And yes, I did consider that maybe from a woman's perspective it could be, "If I get him to come over and get some seamless then I can convince him to go down on me instead of just getting fingered in the alley outside La Pain Quotidien, again." If it takes that much convincing for a guy to get up in your ladymeats he is a pussy and deserves NONE O YOURS.

So I can only conclude that seamless is trying to do its bro a solid and help him get into some ladypanties, which he will have to wait longer to do if he takes a bitch out on a real date in a restaurant. God forbid. Ew.

Have you ever had sex with a Pharaoh?

No, but I bet every guy you ever banged would tell you that you have.



Everyone but me thinks I am a lesbian.

Lesbians, dudes, family members have their suspicions because I am single all the time...everyone but me. It is no secret that I am a pretty manly lady.  I eat red meats. I watch football. I build shit with power tools. I reject things deemed to be "feminine" like "chewing your food all the way" and "napkins." And I am built like a viking. Seriously, today I stood in front of the mirror flexing my biceps and shoulders and noticed that I have a really manly upper body. Impressed?

Bitches is sturdy yo. I feel pretty good about this most days, but sometimes I get knocked off my horse of ladypride. Like recently, a stranger on the street whom I approached for use of a lighter turned to me and said, "suck my cock you ugly fucking dyke."

WHAT THE FUCK??  It isn't like I asked him while shoving my hand in his pants. How does a human get raised SO FAR from any other population that he thinks this is an acceptable response to ANYTHING?

If this were an isolated incident I would maybe be able to brush it off, but dudes regularly say shitty things to me (why don't you grow your hair out? You would look prettier, whoever told you you looked good in that lied, et al). And NO HOES, I do not want your fucking pity. I can stand up for myself, and do every time. But beware dudes, I am getting SO MAD AT YOU. All of you. And the wrath of a dudelady need be feared because I am angry like a man but smarter.

SO I GUESS IMMA BE SINGLE AND LET AUNT SUE QUESTION MY SEXUALITY FROM NOW UNTIL ETERNITY.

#manmeetladymeat