Are we allowed to enjoy things during COVID?

My anxiety tells me NO! 

As we move into the 4th month (year? decade?) of our shelter in place lives, things are taking on a new kind of normal. Settled into routines: never go anywhere without a mask, gloves, industrial strength sanitizer, and a vat of Clorox wipes, the kitchen table is the office, resigned to looking like a potato on zoom calls, etc.  

Zoom potato is all of us

With this feeling of a new normal come the regular ups and downs of daily life, but every time I begin to feel a modicum of a positive feeling my anxiety says "HEY YOU NOPE THIS IS NO TIME TO ENJOY ANYTHING HOW DARE YOU YOU ARE A DISGRACE YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO EVEN BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW."  Piece of chocolate? NO! Pretty sunset? FUCK YOU AND YOUR EYES.  Sweet blooms on the trees? SOME PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR SENSE OF SMELL YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK.

I can't help but surmise this feeling to be unique to times of pandemic, of war, of economic hardship like the GREAT FUCKING DEPRESSION - feeling guilty for anything good in your life when you know so so so many other people are suffering. Think about it. 100,000 people dead. If those people knew only ten people each then there are a million people grieving right now. And millions more are choosing between rent and food, lapsing on their car payments, suffering suffering suffering everywhere. And those are just a snapshot of the thoughts that thunder into my brain every time feelings of enjoyment think the coast is clear. 

But wait! you say. How is this different from any other time? you say. America is built upon the backs of poor people pressed under the thumb of systemic inequality 365 days a year! People die in the millions here and all over the world all the time! MORE PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM THE FLU. You should feel like this all the time!

Sure, all of that is factually true, but contextually a load of horseshit. Systemic inequality has lead to COVID hurting Black and brown communities at 4 times the rate of white communities.* The very people keeping the good ol US of A afloat are dying while No-Mask-Nancy over in Michigan is shouting directly in the face of a nurse about why she can't get a pedicure. Once Steven Miller and whoever else is pulling the strings behind the Trump administration saw who was suffering from this pandemic they cheered on states that moved to resume business as usual. Ladies and gentlemen may I present exhibit A:

Douchepool USA, May 2020

The governor of Missouri allowed large venues to reopen, stating that people should behave themselves and keep 6 feet apart. Police have said their hands are tied, because there ARE NO PENALTIES FOR DISOBEYING. Low-wage workers struggling to put food on the table now must risk their lives because these people want to stand butts-to-nuts in a tepid pool wearing backwards hats and flag bikinis (note: this situation is disgusting under normal circumstances. The last thing I would ever describe as "fun" would be twisting around a bunch of slimy bodies in a pool that is probably 1/3 pee under a hot sun while paying 12 dollars for a rum and coke with no ice). 

100,000 people in the US have died since FEBRUARY. Not only is that more than the annual flu death toll, but that is a 4 month total. If these numbers continue we may surpass 300,000 people dead in the span of a year, from just this one thing. The New York Times dedicated a cover to the names and stories of the people who have succumbed to this deadly virus. But sure, Todd, go ahead and rage out with your broskis. YOLO.

Then, of course, there is the fact that I left. I left my neighborhood in Queens at the height of the pandemic. I was scared. Terrified even. When this all began I got very sick, and, worried that it might be COVID, tried to see a doctor. Not only could I not get a COVID test, I was instructed to NOT see a doctor, but to go to the ER if I couldn't breathe. That was it. Stay home until you can't breathe. (I very recently was able to get an antibody test which confirmed it was not COVID). 

You know in zombie movies when people have the opportunity to get on the last flight out but they stay and eventually die? I did not want to die. In mid-March I packed a few (read: 7) bags and went to a secluded town in the mountains (and yes, we quarantined for 14 days before going outside, which I documented with polaroids). 

In secluded mountaintown USA it is easy to be socially distant (which begs the question of why people in rural states are so upset about this, it is like normal life + a mask; it is NOT hard). My mental health has improved greatly since being here. That is not to say that I am unaffected by the goings on of the world, but I am crying a lot less and having fewer panic attacks. And honestly I felt fucking RELIEVED when we arrived. Like I was able to exhale for the first time since the pandemic hit in NYC. 

I am mentioning this near the end because I didn't want a bunch of judgy cunts to dismiss the whole of this post: I am extremely privileged, and have the opportunity to avoid pandemic hotspots by taking advantage of generational wealth that many in this country were not afforded the right to build. 

While I see no practical benefit to anyone if I had stayed through the worst of the pandemic in New York, many suggest that people who left should have their New Yorker cards revoked. Perhaps that is true. It has been difficult to escape the judgement of friends and coworkers who have stayed. Ultimately, I made a selfish decision for selfish reasons. If selfishness that has no ill effect on anyone else keeps me alive, is it so bad? I don't know the answer to that. 

So, here I sit in a bucolic mountain retreat, watching birds and befriending wildlife, wondering why I get to have this and others do not. I know. "BOO HOO I AM SO SAD THAT I AM NOT HAVING ANY FUN BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC IS BUMMING ME OUT." You think I don't hear it?

I am, however, unapologetic about my decision. I think that I have something to give this world before I die, and I am not going to tell anyone I am sorry for doing what I felt I had to in order to keep my immunocompromised, asthmatic ass alive. 

What I AM deeply sorry about is that this option doesn't exist for everyone. I am sorry that our government isn't devoting every possible resource to keeping essential workers and their families safe. I think that all essential workers should have their pay QUADRUPLED, and get health insurance FOR LIFE, and that taxes should pay for it. I would gladly pay more in taxes to benefit people who have to be on the frontlines of this. Of course, we could also, oh, i don't know, make the Jeff Bezos's of the world pay the same tax rates as an Amazon warehouse worker, or just make corporations pay any taxes at all, but I am not an economist. I am a coward who is looking for permission to feel happy when I get to be alive while other people have died. 

This is all I am asking for. 

*If you do not think the systemic inequalities exist in this country you need to read a book.