Am I Depressed Or Do I Just Have Unrealistic Expectations And Existential Dread?

Is it just me or is it impossible to tell if you are depressed or just had higher expectations from life than what you are experiencing? I often think that I am fine but then I see a commercial for a new depression medication where a woman (literally always a woman) is like, smiling through her pain while her dog looks at her all sad and shit and I am like "OMG that is me I pretend to smile at people when all I really want to do is lay face down in a tub of gin."

Depression commercials be like "let me stare at the floor for the first 30 seconds of this buzzkill commercial that came on in the middle of Jumanji on FX"

The other day I saw a commercial for an antidepressant for depressed people who are already on anti-depressants and I was like OMG ITS ME I AM ALREADY ON THESE AND I DON'T WANT TO JUMP IN FRONT OF A TRAIN ANYMORE BUT I ALSO AM CONSTANTLY LOWKEY BUMMED OUT?

And for fuck sake why is there always a disappointed dog in these things?!

Even the most depressed people smile at their dogs come on

Am I just bummed out because those commercials are such a fucking bummer? Or because Trump is president? Or because we are turning our oceans into acid and killing the bees who are responsible for literally all the food on earth? Are we ignoring this because the people enduring the brunt of the climate crisis and fallout from out political leaders' decisions are poor and brown and we are blinded by the ivory tower reflecting in the harsh sunlight? Has a civilization risen and fallen in such a catastrophic manner somewhere else in the galaxy? Was there another way? What was the turning point? Can I just please shut up and enjoy life's small pleasures in front of me without constantly worrying about landfills? Or is this just how your brain is when you are an informed adult? I am literally having chest pains right now. 

I should probably take a minute to mention that I have a great fucking life. I am really really really lucky. I have a great partner, live in what I can only describe as my dream apartment and work at a dream job with a bunch of people I really like and my boyfriend is a dream guy who cooks dinner and listens when I talk and is a giver in bed. I have traveled a lot and I have a best friend who I am convinced was a sister in a past life. Both my parents and both my siblings are alive and moderately healthy. I am in constant terror that this will all go away and I addressed this in therapy and MY GOD WHY CAN I NOT JUST ENJOY SHIT FOR FUCKS SAKE? SHOULD I TRY CYMBALTA?

I should take another minute to mention that I have been severely depressed twice in my life. Once in college and once after the breakup that I wrote about on here. I know what it feels like. Its like having cinder blocks tied to your feet in the ocean. You can't even see the light of the surface and you want to relent and just let the anglerfish eat your eyeballs. It is physically painful in a way that is hard to describe. Every nerve feels tired. Laying down feels exhausting. This is not how I feel. I went on antidepressants because I knew that this was not normal. But where is normal?

Am I supposed to feel baseline happy all the time? I feel mostly baseline blah. Like I start from a place of blah and then it goes up or down. Is blah happy? Am I expecting too much to feel good all the time? Or most of the time? How are you guys feeling? 

One thing that has consistently helped tame the constant question of AM I DOING THIS RIGHT that runs on repeat in my head is weed. WEED. Weed weed weed weed weed. It is the gentle hand that strokes my forehead and says "Shhhh, look at this screensaver, isn't it wonderful?" It allows me to FEEL music and to enjoy dancing like a human ninja blender and appreciate clouds and shit. 

No one in particular told me that happiness is the baseline for existence. In fact, the older I get the harder I see people struggling for it. But like, is that how it is supposed to be? Is it supposed to be any way? Am I thinking too linear? SHOULD I RE-READ BOETHIUS? I don't know where the notion came from that one is supposed to be just generally happy and if you aren't then something is missing in life and you have to figure out what it is and pursue it nonstop until you get it, but man do I feel like I am missing something. Or am I just depressed?

I might also be hungry. 

Take my eyeballs I don't care