Ultimate guide to food and drink pairings for lame sexual assault apology letters
In today's world it is so hard to keep up with changing trends amirite ladies? Just when #metoo pins were trending in sexual misconduct hearings nationwide suddenly #timesup pins surface. Are pink pussy hats still in for this year's women's march? Which kind of apology for sexual assault is trending on Twitter? What kind of wine pairs well with white male privilege? Are canapés ok for mansplaining?
I hear you ladies! I know it is super hard to be the perfect hostess to men's feelings, so I have created the Ultimate Guide to Food and Drink Pairings for Sexual Assault Apology Letters. Now when you have to repudiate your male coworker's defense of Woody Allen you will know exactly what wine to graciously serve while doing so, just, don't get too drunk in their presence, he might get the wrong idea ;). Let's get started!
1. The I don't remember that but I am a benevolent man so I am sorry I guess.
"I don’t remember it, but I absolutely apologized for it. . . If I was ever part of the problem, I want to change. I want to be part of the solution,’ and to not shy away from these uncomfortable or awkward or strange encounters that we might’ve had where we were sort of navigating and not knowing." -Ben Affleck
Pair with: White wine, like riesling, pairs best with this kind of apology, maybe get a little crazy and make it a spritzer! We want something that goes down easy and is palatable for everyone, just like this non-apology that makes it look like the guy is taking responsibility but is actually isolating himself from it by repeatedly denying he understood at the time that grabbing a woman's boob without permission is a sex crime.
2. The "I thought you were into it, I wish you had told me you weren't"
"It was true that everything did seem okay to me, so when I heard that it was not the case for her, I was surprised and concerned."-Aziz Ansari
Pair with: A dark moody red pairs well with this non-apology and victim blaming - I suggest a Malbec. Sure, you prefer white, and he wished you would have told him that, too. Of course, he never asked. As a snack you should stick to something like celery or water chestnuts, something whose aftertaste won't be too egregious when you throw up in your mouth in the cab later.
3. The,"I mean most of this is just untrue but yeah OK some of it happened."
"Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed,”-Matt Lauer
Pair with: Rosé goes best with this wishy-washy half admission of guilt. Not quite a red, but definitely enough white privilege to leave an acidic taste in your mouth. Pair this with whatever goes well with Ann Curry's schadenfreude.
4. The"I didn't realize you guys thought I was so cool, I am just a lame sad sack."
"The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly." -Louis CK
Pair with: A nice, easy pinot noir will go well with almost anything, including this milquetoast attempt at an apology. The tannins will really compliment the varied victims of his forced to accept that this self-deprecating non-apology will just be another episode of Louie when this all blows over.
5. The"Things were different back then, you guys are changing the rules and also I am old."
"I came of age in the ‘60s and ‘70s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture then." -Harvey Weinsten
Pair with: A bone-dry Sancerre, like the paper-thin dick skin of this good ol' boy will do. Crisp with a sour finish, much like the careers of the women that were derailed for refusing, this pairs nicely with fish, especially dead ones mailed to the homes of entitled old perverts.
6. The "I'm Gay."
"I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man. "-Kevin Spacey
Pair with: All you queens out there raise a glass of prosecco to toast to your new gay hero, Kevin Spacey! Sure, Kevin Spacey preyed on underaged boys and his "coming out" serves to further falsely conflate homosexuality with pedophilia but I mean come ON! You get American Beauty AND Frank Underwood. Serve with meringues because they melt in your mouth just like this intentional mis-direction was meant to melt your heart.
7. The, "These allegations are totally false women are liars she wanted it."
“Why didn’t she do this 12 years ago? She’s a liar. … It never happened. It’s a lie.”
“None of this ever took place.” He then told the reporter, “You are a disgusting human being.”
“Mr. Trump strongly denies this phony allegation by someone looking to get some free publicity. It is totally ridiculous.”
"I can only imagine that Summer’s actions today are nothing more than an attempt to regain the spotlight at Mr. Trump’s expense, and I don’t think it reflects well.”
“She was the one being flirtatious,” he said.
-Donald Trump, all of them.
Pair with: Fuck the wine. Grab a bottle of vodka and hope you pass out til 2020.
I hear you ladies! I know it is super hard to be the perfect hostess to men's feelings, so I have created the Ultimate Guide to Food and Drink Pairings for Sexual Assault Apology Letters. Now when you have to repudiate your male coworker's defense of Woody Allen you will know exactly what wine to graciously serve while doing so, just, don't get too drunk in their presence, he might get the wrong idea ;). Let's get started!
1. The I don't remember that but I am a benevolent man so I am sorry I guess.
"I don’t remember it, but I absolutely apologized for it. . . If I was ever part of the problem, I want to change. I want to be part of the solution,’ and to not shy away from these uncomfortable or awkward or strange encounters that we might’ve had where we were sort of navigating and not knowing." -Ben Affleck
Pair with: White wine, like riesling, pairs best with this kind of apology, maybe get a little crazy and make it a spritzer! We want something that goes down easy and is palatable for everyone, just like this non-apology that makes it look like the guy is taking responsibility but is actually isolating himself from it by repeatedly denying he understood at the time that grabbing a woman's boob without permission is a sex crime.
2. The "I thought you were into it, I wish you had told me you weren't"
"It was true that everything did seem okay to me, so when I heard that it was not the case for her, I was surprised and concerned."-Aziz Ansari
Pair with: A dark moody red pairs well with this non-apology and victim blaming - I suggest a Malbec. Sure, you prefer white, and he wished you would have told him that, too. Of course, he never asked. As a snack you should stick to something like celery or water chestnuts, something whose aftertaste won't be too egregious when you throw up in your mouth in the cab later.
3. The,"I mean most of this is just untrue but yeah OK some of it happened."
"Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed,”-Matt Lauer
Pair with: Rosé goes best with this wishy-washy half admission of guilt. Not quite a red, but definitely enough white privilege to leave an acidic taste in your mouth. Pair this with whatever goes well with Ann Curry's schadenfreude.
4. The"I didn't realize you guys thought I was so cool, I am just a lame sad sack."
"The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly." -Louis CK
Pair with: A nice, easy pinot noir will go well with almost anything, including this milquetoast attempt at an apology. The tannins will really compliment the varied victims of his forced to accept that this self-deprecating non-apology will just be another episode of Louie when this all blows over.
5. The"Things were different back then, you guys are changing the rules and also I am old."
"I came of age in the ‘60s and ‘70s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture then." -Harvey Weinsten
Pair with: A bone-dry Sancerre, like the paper-thin dick skin of this good ol' boy will do. Crisp with a sour finish, much like the careers of the women that were derailed for refusing, this pairs nicely with fish, especially dead ones mailed to the homes of entitled old perverts.
6. The "I'm Gay."
"I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man. "-Kevin Spacey
Pair with: All you queens out there raise a glass of prosecco to toast to your new gay hero, Kevin Spacey! Sure, Kevin Spacey preyed on underaged boys and his "coming out" serves to further falsely conflate homosexuality with pedophilia but I mean come ON! You get American Beauty AND Frank Underwood. Serve with meringues because they melt in your mouth just like this intentional mis-direction was meant to melt your heart.
7. The, "These allegations are totally false women are liars she wanted it."
“Why didn’t she do this 12 years ago? She’s a liar. … It never happened. It’s a lie.”
“None of this ever took place.” He then told the reporter, “You are a disgusting human being.”
“Mr. Trump strongly denies this phony allegation by someone looking to get some free publicity. It is totally ridiculous.”
"I can only imagine that Summer’s actions today are nothing more than an attempt to regain the spotlight at Mr. Trump’s expense, and I don’t think it reflects well.”
“She was the one being flirtatious,” he said.
-Donald Trump, all of them.
Pair with: Fuck the wine. Grab a bottle of vodka and hope you pass out til 2020.
~~~
See you in Hell boys.
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