Kids scare the ever-loving shit out of me
Moms and dads out there, let me just say at the outset, I have all the respect for you. I understand that your small humans are tiring as fuck and you are all doing god's work raising the next generation who will be saddled with saving humanity, my cranky ass included. That being said:
I have always known that children existed and belonged to other people but I have never thought to myself "I want that." The only time I entertained the thought of kids was when JPFM said that he wanted kids and I had a rose-tinted fantasy about having a family with him. Then that all crashed and burned and if we can learn anything from my reaction to that it is that I don't handle stress well. So how the fuck would I handle a colicky infant that doesn't sleep more than 15 minutes at a time for 3 months straight? People always say "when it's your kid it doesn't bother you" but if I get less than 6 hours of sleep a night I spend the following day wondering if life is even worth living.
So obviously those of you who have kids have progressed further than me in life and thus probably know a lot more about the impetus to have babies than I do. Naturally, I turned to the internet to inform me on this, like how I diagnose myself with cancer on WebMD. Lord what a mistake. There are so many blogs and listicles and posts that SCARE THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME OH MY GOD YOU GUYS OBV DID NOT READ THESE OR YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD A CHILD.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that moms (and dads but realtalk mostly moms) out there are being real about motherhood, that is isn't all some twilight-birth 1950's pastoral dream with nary a hair out of place and dinner on the table squarely at 6. I am very proud of my mom friends who are honest that you know what? this working-mom-bullshit in a zero-maternity-leave-society that punishes women economically for having kids really fucking sucks. But holy shit, some of the shit I have come across is downright out of the SAW franchise.
What I have gleaned about parenthood from these things is that pregnancy is awful and uncomfortable and you throw up all the time and it gives strangers some unspoken leave to touch you and the baby will shred your vagina like a block of parm and your boobs will basically touch the floor after breastfeeding and you will never sleep and fight with your partner all the time until you don't even recognize one another any more and you can never lose the baby weight and will constantly be covered in urine/feces/vomit and it never gets easier and you are basically going to be tired forever and as adults your children will resent you so get used to it this is what you signed up for. Not a single one of these things ever mentions a good thing about having kids. WHY DO ANY OF YOU DO IT?
After reading about all the reasons I am ill-suited for parenthood I compiled a listicle of my own.
1. I have a great mom. My mom always knew she wanted to be a mom and I am incredibly lucky to have her. I will never be as good a mom as my mom.
2. I have little faith in men of my generation and I blame this squarely on Tinder. I cannot picture a single asshole I have swiped on Tinder (when I was on Tinder) being a decent father. Like, one who doesn't expect you to thank him for changing the baby's diaper or tells his bros that he can't go out tonight because he is "babysitting." When I think about what life might be like with kids I always picture myself taking care of them alone. There is never a helpful partner in the scenario. In fact, I think about having to take care of the partner as well as the made-up children. Even with JPFM - the only man I ever considered having kids with - I always pictured myself with the minivan, loading screaming toddlers in and out, trying to carry the grocery bags and keep the kids form hitting each other, father of the spawn nowhere to be seen. Before you go assuming that this is a learned thing from my own childhood, I came from a 2-parent, firmly middle-class, structured household with routine where both my parents came and watched my junior varsity tennis meets and high school one-act plays.
3. Then, of course, there is the fact that they will grow up and if they are anything like me, need you forever (sorry mom, you can retire soon I promise). There will probably be no third act for me where I go to Cabo with my Red Hats group and make inappropriate remarks to the young male staff.
4. That "ohmygawwwd I wanna have a bayyy-beeee" urge has never taken hold of me. Most of my friends who felt it felt it around age 28. I am still at the "ohmygawwwdddd I want to have a burritoooooooo," a life stage I believe most god-fearing people abandon around age 28 in favor of salads and SoulCycle or whatever well-adjusted people do when they have their lives together. Some of my friends have always known they wanted to be parents, have always loved children, and have sought and found partners to join them in that endeavor. I have never been that person, and now in my 30's I feel like I have some genetic marker that is defective.
5. With the exception of the children of my friends I mostly avoid being around kids (my friends are cool and I view their children as an extension of them and therefore their kids are also cool). I generally only hang out with them when the parents are around and although I earned gas money babysitting when I was 16 I am not sure I would know what to do with one alone. What does that cry mean? Why is this baby looking intently over my shoulder at nothing? Where did this fluid come from? Why can't I just give them a little bourbon?
Also, teenagers terrify me.
You can call me if you ever need me to babysit your burrito.
The prospect of having a child scares the ever-living fuck out of me.
This photo comes from a site called "my unhappy baby." Great.
I have always known that children existed and belonged to other people but I have never thought to myself "I want that." The only time I entertained the thought of kids was when JPFM said that he wanted kids and I had a rose-tinted fantasy about having a family with him. Then that all crashed and burned and if we can learn anything from my reaction to that it is that I don't handle stress well. So how the fuck would I handle a colicky infant that doesn't sleep more than 15 minutes at a time for 3 months straight? People always say "when it's your kid it doesn't bother you" but if I get less than 6 hours of sleep a night I spend the following day wondering if life is even worth living.
So obviously those of you who have kids have progressed further than me in life and thus probably know a lot more about the impetus to have babies than I do. Naturally, I turned to the internet to inform me on this, like how I diagnose myself with cancer on WebMD. Lord what a mistake. There are so many blogs and listicles and posts that SCARE THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME OH MY GOD YOU GUYS OBV DID NOT READ THESE OR YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD A CHILD.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that moms (and dads but realtalk mostly moms) out there are being real about motherhood, that is isn't all some twilight-birth 1950's pastoral dream with nary a hair out of place and dinner on the table squarely at 6. I am very proud of my mom friends who are honest that you know what? this working-mom-bullshit in a zero-maternity-leave-society that punishes women economically for having kids really fucking sucks. But holy shit, some of the shit I have come across is downright out of the SAW franchise.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING, by BRENDA, MOTHER OF 3
What I have gleaned about parenthood from these things is that pregnancy is awful and uncomfortable and you throw up all the time and it gives strangers some unspoken leave to touch you and the baby will shred your vagina like a block of parm and your boobs will basically touch the floor after breastfeeding and you will never sleep and fight with your partner all the time until you don't even recognize one another any more and you can never lose the baby weight and will constantly be covered in urine/feces/vomit and it never gets easier and you are basically going to be tired forever and as adults your children will resent you so get used to it this is what you signed up for. Not a single one of these things ever mentions a good thing about having kids. WHY DO ANY OF YOU DO IT?
After reading about all the reasons I am ill-suited for parenthood I compiled a listicle of my own.
5 Reasons I Will Probably Never Have Children Aside From Having A General Temperament That Is Ill Suited To It
1. I have a great mom. My mom always knew she wanted to be a mom and I am incredibly lucky to have her. I will never be as good a mom as my mom.
2. I have little faith in men of my generation and I blame this squarely on Tinder. I cannot picture a single asshole I have swiped on Tinder (when I was on Tinder) being a decent father. Like, one who doesn't expect you to thank him for changing the baby's diaper or tells his bros that he can't go out tonight because he is "babysitting." When I think about what life might be like with kids I always picture myself taking care of them alone. There is never a helpful partner in the scenario. In fact, I think about having to take care of the partner as well as the made-up children. Even with JPFM - the only man I ever considered having kids with - I always pictured myself with the minivan, loading screaming toddlers in and out, trying to carry the grocery bags and keep the kids form hitting each other, father of the spawn nowhere to be seen. Before you go assuming that this is a learned thing from my own childhood, I came from a 2-parent, firmly middle-class, structured household with routine where both my parents came and watched my junior varsity tennis meets and high school one-act plays.
3. Then, of course, there is the fact that they will grow up and if they are anything like me, need you forever (sorry mom, you can retire soon I promise). There will probably be no third act for me where I go to Cabo with my Red Hats group and make inappropriate remarks to the young male staff.
4. That "ohmygawwwd I wanna have a bayyy-beeee" urge has never taken hold of me. Most of my friends who felt it felt it around age 28. I am still at the "ohmygawwwdddd I want to have a burritoooooooo," a life stage I believe most god-fearing people abandon around age 28 in favor of salads and SoulCycle or whatever well-adjusted people do when they have their lives together. Some of my friends have always known they wanted to be parents, have always loved children, and have sought and found partners to join them in that endeavor. I have never been that person, and now in my 30's I feel like I have some genetic marker that is defective.
5. With the exception of the children of my friends I mostly avoid being around kids (my friends are cool and I view their children as an extension of them and therefore their kids are also cool). I generally only hang out with them when the parents are around and although I earned gas money babysitting when I was 16 I am not sure I would know what to do with one alone. What does that cry mean? Why is this baby looking intently over my shoulder at nothing? Where did this fluid come from? Why can't I just give them a little bourbon?
Also, teenagers terrify me.
You can call me if you ever need me to babysit your burrito.
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