This is some meta shit.
As per usual, it's been a while. Last time we talked I was fortifying my hitachi collection while sticking pins in voodoo dolls of every man that had ever wronged me and the week after that I was back on OKCupid. Because wanting a stable and fulfilling partnership THAT D THO. And I'll be damned if I didn't catch myself a boyfriend.
I had barely broken in my dating pants (the only ones that don't have an elastic waistband) and this guy messages me. I had already been offered photos of three dicks that day and only one of them showed any real potential so suffice it to say I was in a salty mood. Straight out the gate I was a tart bitch to this would be dickpic, accusing him of not trying hard enough, and somehow it led to him asking me out. And then our first date lasted three days. So now I can't kvetch about men anymore because he the sweetest Jewish peach that Baltimore had to offer. Nor can I tell you anything else about him because he is a respectable man in a respectable job that would not take kindly to me posting odes to his dick here. So now I have to find new things to complain about.
AND THEN I REMEMBERED THAT THE KARDASHIANS EXIST AND I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
Someone posted this amazing piece of internet treasure in our group chat at work the other and it blew my mind.
Sorry for the Daily Mail link, but it is literally the only corner of the internet it has not been scrubbed from. The videos are the only important part. Watch both the videos. I know, it's 8 minutes which is 4x the attention span we have for videos but I promise it is worth it.
Ok so, video number 1 features all 5 of the Kardashian/Jenner girls doing some sort of birthday song for their mom's 60th birthday. Innocuous enough, aside from the insane privilege and gaudy wealth, but, that is what they are known for so it isn't shocking. The video gets particularly tacky when they film the family's service staff proclaiming love for their employer, but the real fun is at the end when they list the credits, naming each daughter that appeared in the video as well as naming themselves four more times thereafter. They mention their own names a collective 16 times in as many seconds.
The real treat is the second video, one that Kris Jenner created for herself when she turned 30. This video has everything.
The reflection of the guy filming with a giant camcorder, the cheesecake factory, pontificating religiosity, a cameo from OJ Simpson.
Wait...
WHAT?
How is the internet shitting its pants over this video and no one is talking about THIS:
This is either the work of a group of humans that lack enough self-awareness to legally be able to consent to sex or some of the most brilliant Dadaist work of the 21st century. The similarities are undeniable.
I had barely broken in my dating pants (the only ones that don't have an elastic waistband) and this guy messages me. I had already been offered photos of three dicks that day and only one of them showed any real potential so suffice it to say I was in a salty mood. Straight out the gate I was a tart bitch to this would be dickpic, accusing him of not trying hard enough, and somehow it led to him asking me out. And then our first date lasted three days. So now I can't kvetch about men anymore because he the sweetest Jewish peach that Baltimore had to offer. Nor can I tell you anything else about him because he is a respectable man in a respectable job that would not take kindly to me posting odes to his dick here. So now I have to find new things to complain about.
AND THEN I REMEMBERED THAT THE KARDASHIANS EXIST AND I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
Someone posted this amazing piece of internet treasure in our group chat at work the other and it blew my mind.
Sorry for the Daily Mail link, but it is literally the only corner of the internet it has not been scrubbed from. The videos are the only important part. Watch both the videos. I know, it's 8 minutes which is 4x the attention span we have for videos but I promise it is worth it.
Ok so, video number 1 features all 5 of the Kardashian/Jenner girls doing some sort of birthday song for their mom's 60th birthday. Innocuous enough, aside from the insane privilege and gaudy wealth, but, that is what they are known for so it isn't shocking. The video gets particularly tacky when they film the family's service staff proclaiming love for their employer, but the real fun is at the end when they list the credits, naming each daughter that appeared in the video as well as naming themselves four more times thereafter. They mention their own names a collective 16 times in as many seconds.
DIRECTED BY
KOURTNEY
KIM
KHLOE
KYLIE
KENDALL
WRITTEN BY
KOURTNEY
KIM
KHLOE
KYLIE
KENDALL
LYRICS BY
KOURTNEY
KIM
KHLOE
KYLIE
KENDALL
INEVITABLE DOWNFALL OF THE AMERICAN EMIPRE BY
KOURTNEY
KIM
KHLOE
KYLIE
KENDALL
The real treat is the second video, one that Kris Jenner created for herself when she turned 30. This video has everything.
The reflection of the guy filming with a giant camcorder, the cheesecake factory, pontificating religiosity, a cameo from OJ Simpson.
Wait...
WHAT?
How is the internet shitting its pants over this video and no one is talking about THIS:
She loves you!
OJ Fucking Simpson, you know, the guy from Juiced and also THAT FUCKED UP MURDER TRIAL?
Cut with the Dada Kitchen Knife through the Last Weimar Beer-Belly Cultural Epoch in Germany
Cut with a surgical knife through the Last Kardashian Liposuction Belly Cultural Epoch in America
Sometimes I feel it coming all the same. Then I go all queer.
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