(You couldn't) Pay me (to) Fuck You

Well friends, VD has come and gone and I spent it the best way possible: getting completely shitfaced during the day so that by 9PM I had already consumed 7 tequilas, 5 tacos, one coffee, 5 glasses of water, and 1/2 of a pizza.

This was about 6pm. Imagine how no one took me home with them.

I quite regrettably spent all my therapy money on ubers so please blame all of my imbalanced behavior on lack of cognitive realignment practice and not on the fact that OH MY GOD I AM PROBABLY GOING TO DIE ALONE AND WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE?!?!?!

Valentine's day is such a BUMMER. I don't understand why it even exists as a couple's holiday, other than an excuse for guys not to give oral 364 days out of the year. The stories of the origin of St. Valentine's day itself are varied and include a pagan tradition where men sacrifice a goat and a dog then SLAP WOMEN WITH THE BLOOD SOAKED STRIPS OF YOUR WHEATON TERRIER. And I would take that over explaining to my great-aunt Susan that no, I am not seeing anyone and yes, I know my mom was my age when she had me and no, I still don't have a viable savings account.

It doesn't help that my friends are all co-habitating, marrying, or birthing new humans, sometimes even in that order. I am even IN one of these weddings. I am likely making the bride regret that choice as I text her that I am going to die alone at LEAST once a week:

Pretty typical conversation.

To play even more into the Sad Lonely New York Girl Who Has Been Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places trope I, on Friday February the 13th, after vowing that I would never do so again, created an OK Cupid profile. I deleted it almost exactly 12 hours later, because that shit is FUCKED. All the 2/3 negative space shots of guys who "really love their job as a creative at a really legit agency" and a bunch of humble boasting about how India "totally changed my life" and at least one exercise niche (I won't make time for you so you will have to join me in my obsession with biking/bouldering/running/benchpressingwithmydick/etc) are EXACTLY the same as last time I was on that dumb shit a year ago. Same assholes in an "open relationship" looking for "a good time and a few laughs."

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?! Does no one work in welding anymore? Where are my automotive repair techs at? Where are the dudes that want to spoon and eat Cheetoes during Game of Thrones? I concluded that I can't do the online dating thing because it's not my job to tell you how fucking wonderful I am, you need to figure that shit out on your own bro.

Nevertheless, I scanned all the CosmoGlam sites to see what "totally legit agency creatives" think I should be doing in order to have a guy want to have consistent sex with me and still be seen in public together. Glamour had these ideas, I think I am finally getting the hang of it:

Give him a sneak peek.

Lingerie? A schoolgirl outfit? Sure, it’s been done, but there’s a reason: It works. “Ask him to shop for a fantasy item he wants you to wear,” suggests Cavanah. Then, to really knock his socks off, “Surprise him by having it on when he least expects it.”

...Just came to pay my respects to your meemaw. May she rest in peace.

Let your eye wander.

“Flirt with another man in front of him,” says Cavanah. “Better yet, flirt with another woman.” Seeing you act sexual—not to mention seeing others respond favorably to you—will pique his interest and stimulate his natural instinct to have you all to himself

Really. On Valentine's day flirt with someone else in front of him? "I love you but I want you to always remember that I could do better." Shit, skip dinner and write that in the Hallmark card you spent 16 dollars on.

Play the part of the beautiful stranger.

Remember that gorgeous woman he stared at on the street or the actress in that movie he couldn’t stop talking about? Don’t be jealous—be inspired! Use her as inspiration for a makeover and show up to your guy’s house like you’re that same intriguing, tempting stranger, suggests Cavanah. Act confident and playful and, most important, “dress in a way that you normally don’t,”

The best way to make your man want you is to be somebody else.

Play the naughty version of “I Never.”

“There’s nothing like a conversation about your sexual ‘bucket lists’ to turn his mind to sex,” suggests Venning. “You can start with “I’ve always wanted to…” or “I’ve never…” 

There is a lot of shit that I have never done that I never will do. I think the better thing to do is to play a game of "Never Will I Ever" then give him a list of domestic roles that women are pigeonholed into so he knows that you are not about that life. You can probably combine this with the last one and do it while you are dressed like someone else so when you take off that Sailor Moon wig he will be SUPER grateful to have you back.

Pre-party with yourself.

“If you get turned on (or even orgasm) before your date, the signs of arousal, like full lips, pink cheeks and the pheromones women emit when turned on will all work on him in primal ways,” says Venning. So go ahead and spend some “me time” before you see him.

Do yourself the favor so he doesn't have to o_o

Give him the remote.

You know men love to control the TV remote, so why not mix it up and “slip him the wireless remote that controls the vibrating panties you’re wearing,” suggests Cavanah.

This one is actually useful to me because while I am almost always wearing vibrating panties, my coworkers keep putting the remote in the lost and found when I suggestively leave it on their desks.

Come on strong.

If your man doesn’t initiate often, take charge and see if he enjoys your being dominant. Next time he’s sitting on the couch, walk over to him and

Bitch his lazy ass out for not helping with the dishes.




Happy 50% off chocolate day.
<3