Action Adventures in the New York CIty Medical System
Out of all the terrifying things I have seen in my short 27 years, I can tell you with an absolute certainty that the most frightening thing I have encountered to date is the inside of a New York City emergency room.
Allow me to set the scene:
8:30PM on arainy fucking HURRICANE DELUGE evening I am outside in a tiny tank top trying to get the goddamned storefront gate down. It weighs more than I do (yeah, shit's heavy). I was planning on heading straight home so I figured it was no biggie if I got all soaked sexy outside.
8:35PM Notice that my hands are starting to swell, pretty soon they look like puppet hands and I lose feeling in them.
8:36PM I realize I am having an anaphylactic reaction and ask someone to kindly FUCKING CALL 911.
8:46PM The firemen show up dripping wet and wringing out their suspenders in slow motion. They give me oxygen and the paramedics give me a shot. Fingers begin to reduce to their normal breakfast-sausage shape.
And off we go to the emergency room. My co-worker AND FRIEND Christine got in the ambulance with me and thought it would be SO FUNNY to take photos of me with the oxygen mask on (ok, I thought it was funny too). "LOOK MORE SAD!" She demanded as she shuffled around the EMT taking my vitals. She got a few good ones:
When we arrived I was wheeled into a line of other people on stretchers waiting to be triaged. Two people sat in triage together: a man and a woman. Both were wearing thin yellow paper gowns. They were probably in their 50's but looked like they were in their seventies - likely an effect of LIVING HARD THE DREAM. The lady's entire right boob was out (win). No one paid any mind. Except Carl. Carl was feeling particularly insecure that evening, as evidenced by his constant slurred bellowing command of, "STOP LOOKING AT MY WOMAN! I SEE YOU SFHLOOKINK AZT MY WOMAN. HEY! THAS MYWOMANSTOP LOOKIN AT MY WOMAN!"
After about ten minutes of this, a petite little Puerto Rican nurse (not racist you assholes, she had a tattoo of the Puerto Rican flag on her arm) got right up in Carl's face and said, "CARL! CALM YOURSELF CARL! Can't be DOING this every weekend." I clutched my oxygen mask to my face while my coworker giggled and tried to instagram Carl and his woman.
Eventually (6 hours later, afterstupidly benevolently insisting that Christine go home ) I was seen by a doctor who was easily 2 years younger than me. He remarked on how, despite the fact that I was still pretty red, was less red than when I came in. He gave me a cocktail of Benadryl and steroids and said I should hang out for "evaluation" which apparently meant being ignored by all staff while I shivered in my soaking wet clothes for hours (seriously, another patient helped me find a gown to change into). He advised me not to walk away from my purse and two hours later found me asleep and drooling on it. He woke me by gently shaking my shoulder and kindly looked away while I wiped the drool off my face/purse. The medical staff (him and Carl I am guessing) concluded that I was not at immediate risk of death and that I could go home.
I put my freezing wet clothes back on and stumbled out to the front desk. My phone was dead and I asked them if they would call a car for me since it was still pouring and none of my trains were nearby. With unmasked annoyance the dude agreed and pressed the number keys with a sigh so heavy one would think this was a tremendous effort.
I had to wait 45 minutes before a car came, so I sat in the least crowded part of the ER waiting room. My luck ran out almost immediately as a very intoxicated middle-aged dude plopped down beside me and began telling the entire, though completely disaffected ER how he DIDN'T push his girlfriend down the stairs, she just fell, punctuated by intermittent slaps on my arm (the sore one from the shot nevertheless) while asking,"right mami? You know what I'm saying mami?"
I spent my last $40.00 on cab fare and hoped I wouldn't feel like eating the next day.
Allow me to set the scene:
8:30PM on a
8:35PM Notice that my hands are starting to swell, pretty soon they look like puppet hands and I lose feeling in them.
8:36PM I realize I am having an anaphylactic reaction and ask someone to kindly FUCKING CALL 911.
8:46PM The firemen show up dripping wet and wringing out their suspenders in slow motion. They give me oxygen and the paramedics give me a shot. Fingers begin to reduce to their normal breakfast-sausage shape.
And off we go to the emergency room. My co-worker AND FRIEND Christine got in the ambulance with me and thought it would be SO FUNNY to take photos of me with the oxygen mask on (ok, I thought it was funny too). "LOOK MORE SAD!" She demanded as she shuffled around the EMT taking my vitals. She got a few good ones:
Bitch behind me is sexting.
After about ten minutes of this, a petite little Puerto Rican nurse (not racist you assholes, she had a tattoo of the Puerto Rican flag on her arm) got right up in Carl's face and said, "CARL! CALM YOURSELF CARL! Can't be DOING this every weekend." I clutched my oxygen mask to my face while my coworker giggled and tried to instagram Carl and his woman.
Eventually (6 hours later, after
I put my freezing wet clothes back on and stumbled out to the front desk. My phone was dead and I asked them if they would call a car for me since it was still pouring and none of my trains were nearby. With unmasked annoyance the dude agreed and pressed the number keys with a sigh so heavy one would think this was a tremendous effort.
I had to wait 45 minutes before a car came, so I sat in the least crowded part of the ER waiting room. My luck ran out almost immediately as a very intoxicated middle-aged dude plopped down beside me and began telling the entire, though completely disaffected ER how he DIDN'T push his girlfriend down the stairs, she just fell, punctuated by intermittent slaps on my arm (the sore one from the shot nevertheless) while asking,"right mami? You know what I'm saying mami?"
I spent my last $40.00 on cab fare and hoped I wouldn't feel like eating the next day.
Hey! That's my gnosh!
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