Dear SHS...
Summer is upon us and I have a problem. I live in a beautiful part of the world that also happens to have ridiculous summertime humidity to accompany the heat. Sometimes - like today - when I go on a thirteen mile run the combination of the heat and the dampness leaves me nothing but a hot sweaty mess. To counter the effects somewhat, I generally run shirtless. This is also in line with your previous, life-changing advice.
But I digress. That's not my problem. My problem is chafing. Holy hell I'm telling you it can become downright torturous. We're talking downstairs. Chafing in places you don't want chafing, if you catch my drift. "Walk-funny-for-days" kind of chafing. And not in the GOOD way.
Any ideas or insight on the prevention or treatment of this shit? I love to run, I can't stop running, I have a marathon coming up for f**k's sake but I also can't stand the BURN, you dig?
What the hell do I do here?
Signed,
Burnin... and not from the Yearnin...
Dear Burnin,
Well obviously my first advice is to not run 13 miles in the goddamned blazing sun. You might have to reference a bible or Copernicus or something, but I am pretty sure there are parts of the day that are less hot and bright than the other parts. I am going to have to assume that you have already tried running on a treadmill in a nice, climate controlled gym. And that is REALLY giving you the benefit of the doubt here.
Second, I have to assume that since you are chafing your ballsack to such an extreme that you can hardly walk (and not in the GOOD way, which BTdubs, if you are chafing your balls from the GOOD way I am pretty sure you aren't doing it right) that you are hanging free under those running shorts. Pretty sure professional runners keep their business locked up TIGHT. If need be, you can try some of those spanx on and run in place in front of me and I will help you assess whether they are functioning properly.
Assuming that none of these will suit you (because they are so obvious and you have not tried them thus far) you can spend a shitload of money on these special, made for little bitches, air-conditioned pants:
http://gizmodo.com/5926546/air+conditioned-pants-may-be-the-most-over+engineered-garment-ever
I, unlike you, realize my limitations, and can only make suggestions as to how you could prevent raw crotch. Short of suggesting you dump an entire bottle of gold bond down your pants, have no suggestions as to how to cure your chafings. So I did you a fucking solid and consulted the experts:
E-mail Address: suburbiahatessidewalks@gmail.
Comments or Questions:
Dear Monistat,
I have a friend who is a man, and I am wondering if your products are as suitable for men as they are for women. He is a runner and apparently has some serious issues with below-the-belt chafing. I know you make a barrier cream that is for ladies, but I am wondering if your products are suitable for men who run commando in the summertime as well. Do you have any recommendations for my friend? Also, if he has success with the Monistat products, would Monistat be willing to sponsor his run in his race he is training for? If not, maybe send a patch or something he can put on his shirt to let everyone know how he handles his business?
Thanks!
Summer is upon us and I have a problem. I live in a beautiful part of the world that also happens to have ridiculous summertime humidity to accompany the heat. Sometimes - like today - when I go on a thirteen mile run the combination of the heat and the dampness leaves me nothing but a hot sweaty mess. To counter the effects somewhat, I generally run shirtless. This is also in line with your previous, life-changing advice.
But I digress. That's not my problem. My problem is chafing. Holy hell I'm telling you it can become downright torturous. We're talking downstairs. Chafing in places you don't want chafing, if you catch my drift. "Walk-funny-for-days" kind of chafing. And not in the GOOD way.
Any ideas or insight on the prevention or treatment of this shit? I love to run, I can't stop running, I have a marathon coming up for f**k's sake but I also can't stand the BURN, you dig?
What the hell do I do here?
Signed,
Burnin... and not from the Yearnin...
Dear Burnin,
Well obviously my first advice is to not run 13 miles in the goddamned blazing sun. You might have to reference a bible or Copernicus or something, but I am pretty sure there are parts of the day that are less hot and bright than the other parts. I am going to have to assume that you have already tried running on a treadmill in a nice, climate controlled gym. And that is REALLY giving you the benefit of the doubt here.
Second, I have to assume that since you are chafing your ballsack to such an extreme that you can hardly walk (and not in the GOOD way, which BTdubs, if you are chafing your balls from the GOOD way I am pretty sure you aren't doing it right) that you are hanging free under those running shorts. Pretty sure professional runners keep their business locked up TIGHT. If need be, you can try some of those spanx on and run in place in front of me and I will help you assess whether they are functioning properly.
Assuming that none of these will suit you (because they are so obvious and you have not tried them thus far) you can spend a shitload of money on these special, made for little bitches, air-conditioned pants:
http://gizmodo.com/5926546/air+conditioned-pants-may-be-the-most-over+engineered-garment-ever
I, unlike you, realize my limitations, and can only make suggestions as to how you could prevent raw crotch. Short of suggesting you dump an entire bottle of gold bond down your pants, have no suggestions as to how to cure your chafings. So I did you a fucking solid and consulted the experts:
E-mail Address: suburbiahatessidewalks@gmail.
Comments or Questions:
Dear Monistat,
I have a friend who is a man, and I am wondering if your products are as suitable for men as they are for women. He is a runner and apparently has some serious issues with below-the-belt chafing. I know you make a barrier cream that is for ladies, but I am wondering if your products are suitable for men who run commando in the summertime as well. Do you have any recommendations for my friend? Also, if he has success with the Monistat products, would Monistat be willing to sponsor his run in his race he is training for? If not, maybe send a patch or something he can put on his shirt to let everyone know how he handles his business?
Thanks!
Hello,
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. The Monistat Soothing Care Chafing Relief Powder Gel may be used by men but our Monistat products that we have other than that are specifically formulated to treat vaginal yeast infections and are meant to be used by women only unless otherwise instructed by a doctor. Should we be interested in sponsoring him or sending out any materials then you will be contacted by our main office.
Please feel free to contact us in the future with any further questions or comments.
Regards,
Amanda
Monistat Consumer Affairs
1-877-666-4782
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. The Monistat Soothing Care Chafing Relief Powder Gel may be used by men but our Monistat products that we have other than that are specifically formulated to treat vaginal yeast infections and are meant to be used by women only unless otherwise instructed by a doctor. Should we be interested in sponsoring him or sending out any materials then you will be contacted by our main office.
Please feel free to contact us in the future with any further questions or comments.
Regards,
Amanda
Monistat Consumer Affairs
1-877-666-4782
My friend at Monistat did not say if their special lady cream could be used on balls or not, so I am assuming you can put it anywhere. I hope I am standing in line behind you at the checkout while they ring up a cart of that shit for you. Just make sure you stick with that, and not the yeast infection treatment, because I don't know where you would stick those little tubes full of anti-fungal goo.
You're welcome.
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